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STRATEGIES FOR NAVIGATING TIMES OF CONFLICT

By: Romi Morales

Conflict resolution is one of the areas that requires the most resources to invest and the most skills to learn in order to do it properly and without harm. Resolving conflicts educationally is essential to building a strong, resilient and secure Tnua. Parashat Vaishlach presents a wide range of conflicts and different strategies used by the characters to resolve them. I invite you to see together, which of them can be useful to us when leading our ken or Tnuah.

The best way to resolve conflicts is to prevent them.

After years of deception, Yaakov returns to Canaan without warning Laban. The latter pursues him, but upon catching up with him, the two decide to avoid confrontation and resolve their conflict by signing a pact with clear boundaries that prevent future problems.

One of the most essential lessons learned from Tnua is the understanding that each person is unique. That is to say: each person has his or her own basket of values, conception of the world and acts on the basis of a personal order of priorities that does not always coincide with that of others, which is why conflicts arise. To prevent the emergence of conflicts in the Tnua, amanot (agreements) are usually made. In an amanot the group establishes out of good will what are the rules, norms and desirable behaviors in the kvutza, making clear the limits of what is commonly stipulated. Making agreements improves the levels of coexistence in our kvutzot and orients each of our chanichim on a personal level. Let us remember that receiving and understanding the limits is fundamental for the healthy growth of people. Knowing what the rules are, allows one to adapt one’s own conduct and, within the established margins, to act freely and safely, without the need to try and learn by trial and error where the limits are in each area where one participates. Inevitably, sometimes conflicts arise anyway. When this happens, agreeing to dialogue with someone with whom we disagree is not easy, but it is the first step to prevent the disparity from growing and escalating into a worse conflict. In these cases, mediating and bringing the parties in conflict to dialogue and finding the best solution for all, is a fundamental task of the manig.

Strategic planning for positive solutions

Yaacov and Esav prepare to meet again. While Esav gathers 400 men, Yaacov organizes gifts, a message of peace, prays for divine protection and divides his family into two camps, to minimize damage in case they are attacked. Here we see how pre-conflict preparation is central. Yaacov imagines possible scenarios, devises strategies for each case, and considers emotions, which leads him to use gestures of goodwill to de-escalate the tension.

Many times, in Tnua (and in life), conflicts do not ask for permission or warnings before arriving. That is why, due to the surprise effect, and with the intention of solving problems quickly, we make hasty decisions that have a negative influence on the people involved or on the Tnua. Therefore, learning Yaacov’s lesson is fundamental for Tnua leaders. Taking time to analyze the options we have and, if necessary, create new and better ones, helps us to achieve better results. Planning for conflict resolution may sound very sophisticated, but it only involves asking ourselves: Why is it important to resolve this conflict? What do I hope to achieve? What is the best way to intervene so that my intentions are accurately translated into practice? How can I make sure that the conflict is resolved?

Just as it is important to plan before dealing with external conflicts, it is also essential to prepare internally.

Let’s see together which tool can help us in this process.

Self-knowledge as an ethical compass within conflict

The night before the encounter with Esav, Yaakov fought with a man, whom he managed to beat. As a gift, his opponent gave him a new name: Israel. Some say that this man was an angel and others believe that this is a metaphor that represents Yaakov’s insecurities in the face of the approaching moment of becoming the leader of the chosen people.

Leading Tnua we are faced with problems that seem to be beyond us. The magnitude of certain conflicts and their possible consequences often makes us doubt our ability to face them successfully. From here, as in the case of Yaacov, we learn the importance of knowing ourselves in terms of emotions, thoughts and actions, knowing our own strengths, weaknesses and the things we need to progress. This is what we call “self-knowledge”. Now, when we are faced with a conflict, we all want to quickly find the best possible way out. But how do we know if we have the level of self-knowledge necessary to resolve it successfully? It is very simple. When in doubt, try to think: What processes do I need to go through to resolve this conflict? What emotions does this problem generate in me and how do they affect my response? Do I have the necessary tools to intervene educationally? What values will I prioritize to resolve this issue? Remember: greater self-knowledge increases the chances of overcoming even the biggest and most challenging conflicts.

COHERENT RESOLUTION. CHOOSING VALUE-BASED STRATEGIES.

Dinah, Yaacov’s daughter, is kidnapped by Shchem, prince of a nearby town. ShNow, in addition to self-knowledge, leading implies making decisions based on values, especially in conflicts that touch deep emotions, as in the case of Dinah and her siblings.imon and Levi decide to “do justice” and, after deceiving Shechem, destroy his city and rescue his sister. Yaacov rebukes his sons and shows them the negative consequences of their decisions and actions.

Leading a Tnua often involves resolving conflicts while being emotionally involved with the people who are part of it. The fact that the Tnua is made up of friends, family members and people from the community, means that many times the limits are confused and, therefore, also the interventions when they have been crossed. In this sense, to make sure that we are solving problems in an ethical and educational way, in the Tnua, this would mean asking ourselves: Can I mediate in this discussion in a fair and constructive way without my prejudices or personal ties intervening? Can I intervene with justice, firmness and considering the repercussions of my actions? Do I have the tools to resolve this conflict while maintaining the Tnua as a safe space free of violence? If your answers are “yes,” go ahead. If you are met with a “no,” it may be good to ask for help and rethink your intervention.

In conclusion

Vaishlach teaches us that resolving conflicts is not an easy task, but it is not impossible either. Establishing clear limits, planning our intervention to reach fair solutions through a deep process of self-knowledge, are just some of the strategies that this parashah leaves us with. Facing conflicts is not always something we can decide, but how to act in front of it, yes. In Tnua you have the opportunity to learn how to resolve conflicts in an educational way. Take advantage of it and make your ken and your environment an increasingly safe, enjoyable and resilient space.

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